I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize