That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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