i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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