did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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