i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
