I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
