I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize