Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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