i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
