I'm really into asian looking animals
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
