Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
