Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
