no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
