According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have aggressive nipples.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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