i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
