I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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