I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize