She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
