I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
