allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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