He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I deserve this hangover.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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