Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
