Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
