whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
