DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The best revenge is premature balding
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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