Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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