someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize