Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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