I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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