dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
