i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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