who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
