We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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