you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
So. Much. Porn.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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