i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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