I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
