I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
