my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
