What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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