I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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