I can feel you judging me through the phone.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
