I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
