I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
