FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Are my feet made of real feet?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
