he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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