____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize