Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
