I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize