Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
