Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
