The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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