If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
