I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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