i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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