I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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