The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
