my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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