Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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