Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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