I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize