pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
