Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
