I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she told me i tasted like america
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
