I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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