I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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