I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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