The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
