dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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