So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
