I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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