I think I died a long time ago.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
